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Lightholes
I, Jim, made a scientific discovery last night. Just about everyone who knows anything about science and particularly astronomy, knows about the existence of black holes. Naturally, astrophysicists also theorize about the existence of their opposite, that being white holes. Telescopes around the globe and in space are constantly scanning for new celestial phenomena in the heavens. Brace yourself, for I have discovered something else along those lines but entirely different. I have discovered the existence of Lightholes (capital L, no space). As far as I know, I am the first to bring this phenomenon to "light".
Some of my friends on Facebook know that I recently bought a 12" diameter Dobsonian mounted Newtonian reflector telescope. What I am about to tell you will undoubtedly have you questioning my sanity and you'll want to turn the topic of conversation to brain tumors and/or straightjackets but please read on and I promise you will see it my way in the end. I have seen an abundance of these Lightholes. Unfortunately, I am not seeing them through my telescope. I am seeing them with my naked eye while I am driving each and every night as I have quite the keen and sensitive eye. You see, I am a truck driver and around 50% of my driving is done at night which adds up to about 60,000 night miles per year, and that calculates to the neighborhood of roughly, well, let's just say that's a lot of driving hours. These Lighthole beams seem to have some sort of super-attraction to me, so much so that I feel I am being driven to the brink of insanity. I am talking mad cackling and pulling out the fast-dwindling, remaining hairs on my head, insanity. They approach from the front and from the rear and it is the ones from the rear that really get my Capricornus. They take a lot longer to pass (you'll soon know what I mean). My truck is governed at 65 miles per hour so most of these Lightholes from the rear still pass me at a good clip but some of them linger for quite a while consequentially blinding me in my side mirrors. Normal light beams have swept past us from the beginning of our enlightenment, and although bright, they were quite tolerable. Lightholes were actually nonexistent until recently but have become very abundant due to some unknown motive of Newton's 2nd law of Thermodynamics (I think). From time to time over the years, an errant normal light beam might cross our paths in a brighter "flash" but these were accidental and were not Lightholes. Acccidental? How can that be? Light is not sentient or even a life form, how could it be accidental? Well, I am also offering up the theory here and now that SOME light IS sentient! This light is "auto light" and the most notorious of these are the beams of the Lighthole. Another astonishing fact that one could never have suspected is that beams of Lightholes almost exclusively travel in pairs and can range in color from brilliant blue to brilliant white, sometimes seemingly even 100 times brighter than our old friend Sol. Now hold onto that asylum admission just a few minutes more as I am going to share with you how you can definitively know if you are witnessing a Lighthole while driving. navy color cocktail garments
First, obviously it will be very bright, so much so that you will want to cover your eyes and say unspeakables. Second, there may be a lower set of the beams accompanying the primaries. These may be smaller but of supernova intensity. Do NOT look into these beams as they may temporarily blind you. Never let a Lighthole blind you. This is their primary directive but don't fall victim to their photonic games as you could end up unalive, upsidedown in a ditch. Third, I have seen horizontal Lighthole "bars" and instances where the primary beams seem to have been falsly deactivated to showcase these "add-on" beams so as to blind as many people as possible. The fourth and final definitive way to know if you are seeing a Lighthole is to quickly look at it just as it passes you and see if you can spot a small blue or orange light on the inside. Truckers have a height advantage and can see these lights easily. These flagrant Lightholes are the worst. They want you to know that they are Lightholes and that they could care less about your sight. The majority I have seen are in Texas but I am sure that they are everywhere.
There needs to be some sort of legislation. Please help me contact Congress about putting these Lightholes on notice.
Well, you are now "in the know" and with your helpful spreading of this message, I am sure that a Pulitzer or Kavli, or perhaps both are surely In my future. Furthermore, it wouldn't surprise me in the least to have a new principle, theorem, or law named after me. The Whittaker University of Maui has a nice ring to it as well.
I am sure that most of you follow me by now but if there are a few of you who are either drooling or circling your ear with your finger and making cuckoo sounds, I would just make one final plea. Don't be a Lighthole, dim your headlights around other traffic.